Archive for January, 2008
my random thought of the day
Jan 24th
“I have all the characteristics of a human being– skin, hair, bones– but not one recognizable human emotion, other than greed and disgust. There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense that our lifestyles are probably comparable, I am simply not there.”
- American Psycho
a change of pace…
Jan 22nd
Went to North Carolina this past weekend to a LAN party and it was really nice to get away. I don’t know what I enjoyed more.. Being at a gaming party or just getting away from this city. Sometimes I think Lynchburg is just a cursed town for me and I will be doomed to living a lonely quiet life unless I get outta here. I have friends here yes.. but it just seems that the dating scene around here isn’t designed to work for me at all. Doesn’t seem like any of the girls around here have the same interest as I do and honestly I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone around here that will really match me. It gets to bothering me every now and then and tonight is no exception. I’ve started back a the Y to start working on my outward appearance as best as I can. I think that I’ve just been picked on and drilled into my head that no one will ever really find me attractive. I guess that’s a self esteem thing. I never really look into the mirror and say “hey, there’s an attractive guy”. I guess with good cause though. I’m not. Plus the added weight I’ve put on from not going to the gym isn’t helping me. *sigh*
I have noticed that when I’m single I usually get like this and my friends usually help me through this, whether they know it or not. I’ve been hanging around them a little bit, but probably not as much as I should be for the amount that this is bothering me, but it’s almost like I don’t want help… Don’t know if I’m giving up, but I think the feelings are very similar. Which makes me wonder why I’m even giving a shit about the gym or quitting the smoking thing. Maybe this is just a passing thing for tonight, but seems I feel like this more times than not these days. I think I just need to start leaving this town more often. I enjoyed being away from here. Not that I’d have much luck dating else where, but at least when I’m gone out of town, no one knows where I’m at and no one knows me.
Well back to my life.. I think I need to pay up my health insurance and setup an appointment for a doctor or something. Maybe he can give me some happy pills.. I guess it’s good that I want help, means there’s something inside me that’s still struggling to try and keep fighting.
lyrical entry….
Jan 22nd
“Shine Your Cadillac” – Evans Blue
You can shine your Cadillac
Another way
With the last drop
Of spit
That was left in my mouth
I was watching all your TV shows the night I said goodbye
To the world I know
So raise your chin
And raise a glass
Sing here’s to winning this again and again
Sing I don’t care what it costs
Is this the look that sells the skin
Are these the names
We lose again and again
Sing I don’t care what it costs
You can dye your hair tonight
Another way
To match the color of
The ground
That I am buried in
I was reading all your magazines I have something
Until you took it from me
So raise your chin
And raise a glass
Sing here’s to winning this again and again
Sing I don’t care what it costs
Is this the look that sells the skin
Are these the names
We lose again and again
Sing I don’t care what it costs
Will you hang me
From your wall? You might as well
Just because
God knows I have not
Been moving for three days now
Sing I don’t care what it costs
So raise your chin
And raise a glass
Sing here’s to winning this again and again
Sing I don’t care what it costs
Is this the look that sells the skin
Are these the names
We lose again and again
Sing I don’t care what it costs
Mood : Drained 
